Monday, January 31, 2011

The Adventures of Cutstrand Hume

Not more than a week after my friend Mr. Hume and I had solved the case of the vanishing haberdashery, we received a call. A young lady, blonde and frail, entered our apartments. She seemed uneasy, though most people coming to see Hume do. I offered her a seat and fetched Hume from the water closet, where he had been playing with some set of chemicals or another. Calm as ever, he sauntered out to meet our guest.

"Good morning to you, Miss Ashberry. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am afraid that Mister Crosby, whom you were having an affair with, really did commit suicide and was not, as you suspect, murdered."

As if electrocuted, the woman leaped from her chair and stood stiff as a board. "How dare you spy on me, or, or, read my mind or whatever it is that you have done!"

"I meant no offense. Believe me, all that I have said, I gathered from seeing you here. No witchcraft or spying was involved."

She seemed to relax slightly, but eyed my friend warily. I decided to intervene.

"Miss, he really did deduce it all. I have lived with him for three years and never cease to marvel at his powers of observation," I soothed, enough that she took a seat again.

"Alright, Mr. Hume. I would like an explanation though. How did you come to all of those conclusions?"

"Wadsworth here knows my methods. Surely you could cast a bit of light on how I came to know so much?" He turned to me with a patient smile.

"Well, I, uh, I see that she has a somewhat distinctive ring on, but not a wedding ring. Perhaps, you recognized the crest."

"I did indeed. That was how I knew that she was of the Ashberry family, and, as any good detective, I have studied all of the well known families of London and knew that the Ashberry family had a daughter about your age and carried the sort of signet inscribed on your ring. As to your relationship with Mister Crosby, you have the slightest scent of Maquis, a plant native to Morocco. In passing Mister Crosby once a month ago, I noticed a sunburn implying a trip out of the country. He also walked with a tenser gate than I had scene before, implying that he had just come from a dangerous locale. Therefore, the combination of this rare odor and his strange behavior, not to mention the mud on your shoes specific to his neighborhood of London come together to clearly indicate that you had some sort of dealings with him. The darkness of your dress, unsuited to a lady of your complexion suggests that you have taken upon yourself to indicate grief for his passing, but you did not want your emotions made public, hence the fact that your dress is not purely black. The most probable explanation is that you two were lovers, but given his married status could not have this known. I, naturally, read about his untimely death and several details jumped out at me. First, he is a father of two young girls named Mary and Trista. Mary, the elder, has a name associated with the virgin Mary and stars. Trista, on the other hand, had its origins in the story of a tragic lover from Celtic lore. Clearly, this indicates a decline in either his wife's happiness or his own. Having recently returned from Morocco, he would have clear reasons to become depressed, as the culture and climate shock of leaving and returning could unbalance even the strongest of men. However, the clearest evidence of his committing suicide is that the same distinctive gravel lodged in her left shoe was present outside the office of Dr. Mendel's office, where persons go for psychiatric assistance. It was in the footprint made by a shoe the exact size of Mister Crosby, which I calculated in passing. The age of the footprint matched the date of his death, and therefore implies strongly that he was in an unstable mental state, further evidenced by the erratic footprint pattern in the soil."

"So as you see, it was elementary, my dear Watson."

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Awesomeness of Elsewhere

Elsewhere, the sun floats atop the ocean, bobbing with each wave and slipping through fisherman's fingers like dazzling lemonade.

Elsewhere, spoons grow on bushes, forks bloom from the ground, and knives clink on trees. People mine for food stuffs which are forged into meals.

Elsewhere, the air freezes into hovering planes of ice, which shatter as men walk through them, but with care can support one's weight, allowing people to slide across the sky.

Elsewhere, cats speak through tail twitches and audible apathy, sharing their cunning only with those incapable of employing it.

Elsewhere, people can move in slow-motion and conjure dramatic music at will.

Elsewhere, people dream of here.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Thank you, Rod Sterling

There is a high school beyond that which is known to children. It is a school as vast as a square quarter mile and as timeless as Dr. Kiely. It is the middle ground between public and private, between science and mathematics, and it lies between the pit of man's laziness and the summit of his knowledge. This the school of imagination. It is an area which we call The Illinois Mathematics and Science Academy.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Synaesthesia

Red has so much variety. It runs the gamut from moist to salty, sweet to cutting, plush to fiery.

Orange keeps mostly to one track. It can radiate warmth, but sometimes on the radioactive scale. Alarms and sirens often texture it roughly, but it can also sing like peach fuzz.

Yellow, on the other hand, has quite a limited range. It nearly always tastes like sunlight or sounds like a slip-and-slide.

Green spreads from the cool leaves of middle earth to the briny seas of the little mermaid to the sibilant hissings of house Slytherin.

Blue smacks of rain, no matter what hue. However, that rain varies from warm to sharp, quiet to acrid.

Purple wears the crown. It never tastes too noisy or smells too strongly of fluffiness. No matter the form, it always looks beautiful.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Fog

Fog, the fallen cloud, envelopes the world everywhere around me, yet never touches me. Oppressive and neglectful at once, it weighs down upon me intangibly. The demonic haze provokes me with tastes of itself. The strokes of clammy mists against my neck, the silence playing in my ears, the seemingly solid wall of white that fades into oblivion with every step towards it. It torments me, chills me, and grips me. It teases me to the brink of reason, where, on the other side of that vaporous veil lurk pleasure, pain, and power. An ecstasy of horror, incomprehensible force, or am I the being that others fear? I am bound to the untouchable and the unknowable.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Honor!!!!

Amy leaned over
her friend Jessica's homework.
"That's the wrong answer."

"How can it be wrong?"
Jessica snapped in response,
"I've checked it five times."

"It could be scalene.
You assumed isosceles."
Amy said, shrugging.

"How do you solve that?!"
Jessica moaned, "I can't do
this geometry!"

"You might not have to.
Why not challenge the teacher?"
Amy suggested.

"What are you saying?"
Jessica asked, cautiously.
She studied Amy.

"You're a good student.
You've always had perfect grades.
A B would shame you.

"What gives him that right?
Why let Dr. Prinz shame you?
Fight for your honor!"

Jessica recoiled.
"I couldn't fight a baby.
How could I hit prince?"

"That's not a problem.
Pens beat the sword anyway.
Just have a write-off."

Jessica brightened.
"I'll demand a Haiku-off
to save my honor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Friday, January 21, 2011

Fluffy Ball

There once was a ball that was fluffy
whose manner was haughty and stuffy.
'Though as big as a boulder,
he sat on my shoulder.
When I pushed it off, it got huffy.