The Bottom Line

(The curtain opens on an empty stage. A foot tall platform, about one and a half feet wide stretches directly across the stage. Behind it, another foot and a half wide platform curves up and down across the stage like a sine wave, its maximum being two feet off the ground and its minimum touching the ground. Another identical wave platform is behind it, but offset like a cosine wave from a sine wave.

The backdrop is a large white wall with a black line to represent the y axis painted down the center. Stage right of the y axis is a large hole about five feet off the ground. A plywood rim about two feet wide fills the circle and creates a platform for the actor to perch on. A second white background is behind the hole to give the illusion that the hole is only an outline. On the other side of the y axis is a ladder, whose sides point towards the audience and which tilts slightly to approach the y axis, but without crossing it. Approximately three feet from the ground, it curves and turns into a ramp that approaches but does not get down to one foot off the floor.)

(Y=0 enters stage right, walking on the flat platform, dressed in a loose pair of black pants and a black turtleneck. He walks dejectedly to the center of the platform and flops down on it, sighing.)

Y=0: Nothing ever happens in my life! I can go from negative infinity to infinity without anything ever changing! It's depressing (he collapses entirely, lying on his stomach and burying his face).

(enter Sin(x), wearing black skinny jeans under a short black, strapless dress, with a very fluffy skirt. Sin(x) walks on the foremost wave-like platform, humming to herself as she walks down the curvy runway. She comes to where y=0 lies, notices him, and stops humming.)

Sin(x): Something wrong, y=0?

Y=0: (without lifting his head, mumbling) mmmuffing.

Sin(x): Say that again?

Y=0: (lifting his head and turning to lie on his side, facing the audience) Nothing.

Sin(x): Oh, well in that case...(makes as if to continue wandering down her path)

Y=0: No, Sin(x), you don't understand. The problem I have is nothing.

Sin(x): If it's nothing, then why are we talking about it?

Y=0: No, no, Nothing is wrong, not nothing is wrong. (sits up, frustrated)

Sin(x): You've lost me; when is nothing not nothing?

Y=0: exactly! (Y=0 jumps to his feet) It always is!

Sin(x): But you just said –

Y=0: I am always nothing. No matter what my input, the output is invariably zero!

Sin(x): (finally gets what Y=0 was trying to say) Oh! Nothing is wrong, not nothing is wrong. Gotcha! Well, what's the big deal? I equal zero also, you know, periodically, and I don't mind.

Y=0: Really? (doubtfully)

Sin(x): Really, look! (Sin(x) moves back and forth over the nearest point at which her platform is of a height with Y=0's platform.) See? It's exciting, crossing the line between positive and negative.

Y=0: Oh, sure, for you. You actually get to cross it. I'm just stuck here.

(lights start to dim and flicker)

Y=0: (glumly) Great, another happy function being entered.

(lights return to normal brightness. enter Cos(x) from stage left, wearing a tight black t-shirt, black converse high tops, and black leather pants. He swaggers across the second wave-like platform)

Cos(x): Hey, Sin(x), sister, what's up?

Sin(x): (suddenly cheerful) Cosine! Where have you been? I thought the Great Mathematician had deleted you from his calculator forever! (leaps from maximum to maximum to reach Cosine, who she pushes down, playfully. He rolls down from the maximum, into the minimum.)

Cos(x): Watch it, baby, or you'll shift my graph.

Sin(x): Oh, suck it up. Can't a function be happy to see her brother?

Cos(x): (notices y=0, starts towards him) Hey, we've got company. And how are we today, Mr. Y=0? Is the Cartesian plane treating you well?

(Y=0 moans pitifully and slumps back down to sit on his platform.)


Cos(x): (to Sin(x)) What's up with him?

Sin(x): Nothing is the matter.

Cos(x): Well, if nothing's the matter...

Sin(x): No, no, no, he's depressed because he always equals zero. He's no fun like this, but he refuses to let me comfort him. Let's find some other function to talk to. I heard that 100-x³ just got integrated –

Y=0: Integration! (suddenly becomes energetic and hopeful) Why didn't I think of that before? I have a chance to get out of this never ending rut! If the Great Mathematician integrates me, I'll have a constant added to me. Oh, I will finally get away from the x axis!


(Sin(x) and Cos(x) shrug and start sauntering to stage right while Y=0 paces excitedly. The lights dim and flicker as they did before)

Cos(x): Another change, so soon? The Mathematician must be busy today.

Y=0: Pick me, Mathematician! Integrate me, please!

(Lights return to normal. Enter 1/x, climbing down the ladder. 1/x wears combat boots, a kilt, and a large studded leather jacket, all in black. Y=0 slumps, disappointed and resigned)

1/x: (with mock pomposity) Never fear, 1 over x is here. I know, you all must have suffered without me, but the Great Mathematician decided you all needed a rest from pure awesomeness and consequently deleted me from his calculator temporarily.

(Sin(x) and Cos(x) stop and turn in unison to look at 1/x. Y=0 shoots an annoyed look at 1/x and marches off to stage right.)

Cos(x): (overly dramatic and sarcastic) Oh yes, 1/x, we could barely graph ourselves each morning without your presence to guide us.

Sin(x): (also mocking 1/x) I don't know how we got on. After all, functions depend completely upon your mighty slope and brave discontinuity to make it through the day.

1/x: (has reached the bottom of the ladder) I know. It is a heavy burden, but one I will gladly bear in exchange for your undying obedience and adoration.

Cos(x): (repressing laughter) Not a chance! Seriously though, how have you been?

1/x: the same as always. Mind you, I didn't like being unentered from the calculator. Without an actual graph of myself, I felt like a ghost, all mind and no body.

Cos(x): Tell me about it, I was only just reentered myself. It's horrible.

Y=0: Ha!

(The functions all turn to look at Y=0, surprised to hear him)

Sin(x): What's so funny?

Y=0: Oh, nothing...

Cos(x): Two minutes ago nothing depressed you!

Y=0: No, the other nothing, I mean – never mind. It's just, I couldn't help hearing you two complaining about not being graphed. It must be so horrible. Everyone sympathizes with you, but no one seems to consider my pain worth mentioning.

1/x: What are you talking about?

Y=0: I am nothing! Doesn't anyone understand the psychological repercussions?!!

1/x: Ugh. You know, it's pathetic, the sort of crap self-pitying functions like you take. I'd never put up with it. All the other functions of x to a negative power converge somewhere or another, but not me. I refuse to conform to the standards of an oppressive Mathematician. No matter how large my x value (gestures stage left, to where his graph goes to infinity) or how close to zero I'm pushed, (jumps onto the ladder a few rungs up and holds on with one hand, heroically) I'll never stop gathering area beneath my curve! I'll never be nothing!

(Everyone stares silently as 1/x poses on the ladder)

Y=0: Oh, sure, that's easy for you to say. It's in your nature to be a rebel, but not in mine. My only hope is to be integrated, maybe even twice, if I'm lucky, and get away from the damn x-axis.

(lights flicker once again)

Y=0: Come on, Great Mathematician! Take my antiderivative this time!

(lights return to normal. The Circle has climbed into her perch and lounges there. She wears a black camisole and fitted blazer along with black dress pants and a pair of black strappy high-heeled shoes)

Circle: Good day, functions. Isn't it lovely?

(Sin(x), Cos(x), and 1/x groan)

Y=0: No.

Sin(x): Listen, Y=0. It's not that I don't love hearing you complain about your life, but I would consider it a personal favor if you'd shut up!

(Y=0, stalks back over to stage right and sulks)

Circle: What has his coordinates in a bunch?

1/x: Why do you even care?

Cos(x): Yes, I'd have thought her majesty, (mocking bow) the parametric, wouldn't condescend to speaking with us ordinary functions.

Circle: Ordinarily I wouldn't, but I'm in a good mood today and I felt charitable. I don't much care about 1/x there, but you two, Sine and Cosine, you depend upon me. I may as well be kind and speak to you.

Sin(x): (stomping towards Circle) Why you Math-forsaken –

(Cos(x) rushes forward and grabs her arm and holds her back)

Cos(x): Hold it, sis, she's just egging you on. She isn't worth a struggle.

Circle: Listen to your brother, sweetheart. He knows better than to cross graphs with his superiors.

Cos(x): (infuriated) What! Why you Math-forsaken -

(The deep voice of a man calls slowly from the ceiling, cutting off Cos(x) and causing all the functions to stare up towards the sound)

X=-10: VERTICAL LINE TEST!!!

(General groaning from the functions. Circle, however, looks smug and superior. X=-10 is lowered from above via a winch, hanging approximately above Circle. He wears a baggy, black t-shirt and black overalls and work boots)

X=-10: It's alright, you lot, strictly routine. (Lowered to the same height as Circle. Frowns at her) What's this, then? I'm afraid you're in violation of the vertical line test.

Circle: Oh, it's not a problem. You see, I'm a parametric.

X=-10: Ah, sorry then, for the confusion.

(Sin(x) and Cos(x) simultaneously stick their tongues out at Circle, who ignores them. X=-10 reaches the bottom)

X=-10: Well, everything seems to be in order here.

Y=0: Of course, for you it is.

X=-10: What do you mean by that?

1/x: Ignore him. He's incapable of breaking out of the oppressive mold forced upon him by the Mathematician or ever becoming satisfied with his plot in life. So, he whines.

X=-10: In that case, I'd best be off. Plenty more functions to test.

(Light's flicker again. All characters look expectantly around, except for Y=0, who has gone down on his knees and clasped his hands in silent prayer. Lights return to normal, but nothing appears to have changed. Y=0 recovers, then examines himself slowly, in shock.)

Cos(x): Well? What happened?

Sin(x): The Mathematician must have changed something out of this window's view.

Y=0: Oh, something happened in this window. I've been integrated.

X=-10: Really? What was your plus C?

Y=0: It was nothing.

(Curtain closes.)